What Have We Done?

It's another rainy Sunday afternoon and I've got a few minutes to write the next chapter.... 

Previously on here, I filled you in on our ongoing struggle to navigate all the having and not having/ giving and not giving business.  In the midst of our discussions about an overall strategy, our neighbor "Valerie" wrote us a letter requesting money to help with school fees and other needs.  We had already planned to meet with this neighbor and have a conversation with the help of a translator.  So what did we do?

With Caleb planning to leave on Friday, we had Valerie and the translator, Joyce, over to the house on Thursday Mar 2.  Through the conversation, we tried to learn a little more about her needs, and also some of the other programs and resources available in the area.  We had learned a little about these Village Savings and Loan (VSL) schemes, and asked Valerie whether she knew about and/or had participated in them.  She had heard of them but said she's never had enough money to participate.  (The basic idea is that you contribute small amounts of money to a savings account and earn a small amount of interest. If you participate for some amount of time/contribute some amount of money, you can receive loans at interest rates that are significantly lower than the 18-20% that most banks charge here.)  We discussed the possibility of going with her to the local VSL to learn more and possibly start an account for her.  We also talked a little about other neighbors, and how we'd like to help more people but aren't sure who to help or how, and can't really help EVERYBODY.  At a few points since we moved here, Valerie has brought people over to the house who have then asked us for money, and we've given small amounts (1000-2000 RWF, or a couple of dollars).  One thing we were trying to convey was that we would love her help and partnership figuring out who to give to and how to give.  So that was the intention of the conversation, but I'm not sure how much was really translating (both English --> Kinyarwanda and somewhat-removed-people-with-needs-met-doing-big-picture-thinking-about-general-giving-strategies --> person-with-pressing-needs-who-has-made-a-specific-request-and-is-wondering-where-this-is-going-and-are-we-actually-going-to-give-her-anything-or-not).  So at some point we got more specific and asked her about those needs.  Her letter had mentioned a few things... clothes & shoes for the kids, a mattress, school fees.  Our conversation focused mainly on the school fees - she has four kids, and said that she owed about 150,000 RFW (~$150) in fees in total.  (Her youngest is in daycare, which is expensive, and her oldest goes to private school.  The middle two are in public school which is inexpensive - just 5000RFW or so for each of them.)  We said we could give her the money to pay off those debts for now, and that we may be able to do more (for example, through the VSL) later.  She offered to have us go with her to the school to pay the fees ourselves, or to bring us receipts.  We told her we trusted her, and that she could make her own decisions about how to use the money.  She assured us she was going to use it for the school fees.  Caleb gave her the money, and she was very grateful.  

So for my little quiz, if you guessed A (give unconditionally), that's what we were attempting to do, with a little D (gather some more information first).  And given our conversation about what the money was going to be used for, it probably felt a bit conditional, so B isn't entirely wrong.  We've also been choosing C (don't give) for lots of other people who are certainly just a deserving, and E (give up and go home) is still tempting and will be correct at some point.  (Thanks to Paige and Gil for being brave enough to use the comments function and share your thoughts there.  My Dickinson Lab crew created a dedicated Slack channel to discuss their responses, which were pretty spot-on.  Others who read the first chapter and mulled things over on your own, I appreciate you too.)

So that was the decision.  But not the end of the story.  Caleb left on Friday, and Ahya was here until Monday.  That Saturday night while she was here, we were headed out to dinner (with the driver we hired while Caleb was gone, Fabrice), and as we left The Gate a drunk guy was there speaking a mix of English and Kinyarwanda and asking for money, persistently.  Other neighbors were around, including Valerie, and everyone was asking him to leave us alone.  We left for dinner, and when we came home a few hours later he was still there and the scene repeated.  I didn't give him anything.  It was annoying and uncomfortable, but I didn't feel unsafe.  His demeanor didn't strike me as threatening, just drunk and persistent, and between neighbors and the driver and Theo, I felt like we had people around to keep us safe.  But I decided to send a note to our landlord (landlady? land-person?), Odette, just to let her know and see if Theo knew the guy and where he was coming from (since I didn't recognize him as a neighbor).  (I did debate with myself for a while before contacting Odette... I didn't want to get him locked up or anything, but did want to err on the side of caution with Caleb gone and us feeling a little more vulnerable.)  She wrote back a little later saying she was sorry and that Theo was "informed and he said he kicked him out with neighbors."  She then went on to say that, "There is a lady below us saying to people around that you are buying them drinks and for that some individuals may abuse your kindness."  We confirmed that she was talking about Valerie, and she added, "She does not mean bad but to express your kindness but others take that the wrong way instead they start to beg."  Odette then left me a couple of voice messages asking us please not to give any more money to neighbors.  She also assured me that we're safe: "None can put u in danger."  I let her know that we're looking for ways to help and would love her advice.  She mentioned a sewing business around the corner she's given money to.  She's also coming to town (she lives in Ireland) in February, and we'll discuss more then.  On the one hand, I know that her perspective is only one perspective, and is shaped by her position and class, and we don't necessarily have to do what she says.  On the other hand, we're living in her house and have to navigate that relationship and our relationships with Theo and Violetta here, too.  It is, once again, complicated.

So where does that leave us?  A little stuck.  Our intention certainly wasn't to only give to Valerie and then retreat, but that's what we've done for the past couple of weeks.  Caleb left, and there was the exchange with Odette, and my attention has turned to keeping things running (getting kids to and from school, making food, working).  I've been friendly with Valerie and the neighbors (saying my "mwaramutses" and "mwiriwes") but I'm no Kalibu - my time outside The Gate has mostly been limited to coming and going, and I haven't held court with the kids like he does.  [Although... as I was writing this, I paused to help Lexi get a ball the kids threw over The Gate into our tree, and then ended up spending 15 minutes hanging out and throwing a tennis ball around with Valerie and kids.  That was nice.  I was also able to convey that Kalibu is coming home tomorrow, which brought big smiles.  That's going to be a whole scene.]  I have held off on pursuing the VSL scheme, and am still hoping to meet with the village head, but that's been on hold as well.  

I've been reflecting on direct giving, and have realized that there's a big difference between that as policy or program (where an org gives to lots of people in a structured and fairly impartial way) and as an interpersonal exchange.   It's hard for the latter to truly be unconditional... we may not care what Valerie does with the money we gave her, but we do care how she treats us, how giving to her affects our relationships with this community, and also how we're affecting relationships within the community - are people resentful of Valerie now that she's gotten and they haven't?  That makes it messier, but the fact that giving interpersonally is necessarily relational also makes it powerful.  Reciprocity is something I've been thinking about a lot in my work and personally... giving and receiving in all kinds of relationships (among people, between people and planet... Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer has lots of wisdom to share on this subject).  There's part of me that wants to just give and make problems go away, the big ones (poverty, injustice) and the smaller ones (having people keep asking us for money).  But that's not how it works.  Giving connects us.  It creates bonds that go both ways.  We're just starting to understand what that might mean right here, what we want it to mean, and what it means whether or not we want it to.  Lots of learning left to do, and we'll probably keep making mistakes too.  Also trying to be ok with that.

...

There were two things I wanted to write about today.  Because I wrote the first part of this story earlier this week, I felt obligated to write this part first.  If you've made it this far, you can see that that took me a while.  The other thing I wanted to write was on how I miss my husband, who is currently in Germany en route back to us.  I miss him not JUST because it's convenient to have him to drive me around rather than having to coordinate & negotiate payment with other drivers, but also because of who he is and the way he balances me and how he sees the humanity in everyone.  I'm glad he got to go on this adventure and was able to check in and connect back home, and the last couple of weeks have gone smoothly and been a nice slow-down for us in a lot of ways... less running around, more quiet time and work-catch-up.  But I miss my partner, and I need him back.  Without him here, I've felt a stuck, paused, and I am excited to continue this complicated and wonderful adventure together.  

[I've also been made aware that he has been writing while on his layover in Munich and will soon be posting something that will make this meager little "I love you honey" at the end of an overthought post look fairly emotionally inadequate, but such is our relationship.]

Congrats on making it to the end of this very long post, which took me enough time that the sun is back out.