I have so many thoughts going through my head and I don't know how to structure this post.
Let's start with setting. I'm in Munich, Germany with an 11 hour layover. I don't seem to be having any issues with my flight, so it's a calm and wonderful day in this interesting city. But this post is not about Germany.
I don't really miss people. I'm not sure if that's a sickness or a strength. I love people alot (I have to spell "a lot" that way because of the alot creature. If someone could draw a "people alot," I would appreciate it) If you've been in my life for a hot second, you've probably noticed that I love you. It comes in the form of big hugs, kind words, acts of service, and authentically loving you for who you are. But, I don't really miss people very often.
Maybe I lack object permanence. Maybe the shinny thing distracts me.
The way that I have explained it over the years is that I'm so engaged with what's right in front of me, I could hardly be bothered by what isn't. When I'm in Phoenix with my soccer team, I'm not thinking about my friends or family back home. When I'm with my family in Mexico, I'm not thinking about my soccer teams. I'm totally and completely and redundantly immersed in the experience I'm in.
Somehow, I've found a partner that is somewhat similar. I can't speak to her emotions around "missing" people, but we both seem very comfortable being apart and not needing to check in each night or say sweet things like, "I miss you so much, my love. Wish you were here. It would be so much better with you."
Sometimes I feel bad about that, but I think my mom would call it healthy attachment. I have strong relationships that don't need constant tending.
But here's the thing...
While I've been in Rwanda I have missed many things and many people. It's obvious that this is a different experience than normal with a longer absence. But mostly, it's a lack of a decent replacement. As much as I've made acquaintances and had lovely moments in Kigali, I don't have real friends. I don't have brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, moms and dads. Other than my immediate family, I'm quite alone and maybe even lonely. So, I was really excited to come home to Louisville and see familiar faces and go to familiar places. I was excited to hug and kiss and gently caress (Ross) the people that I love so much.
It was great to be "back home" and I'm sure Katie, Mazie, Athena, and Lexi were all quite jealous of me, as they miss you all too.
Something weird happened while I was away. Two things, actually. One, I started missing my family alot. I have been nearly brought to tears several times thinking about my wife and my children and getting to be with them again. I can't wait to hold them and I might cry when I see them. (I mean, I'm crying a little bit while I write this as I sit at a street cafe in Munich) The second thing is that I started telling people that I was really looking forward to getting home. In this sentence, home is Kigali. It was so natural for me to say, that it actually took me off guard. I'm finally back in LOUISVILLE and I'm saying I can't wait to get home. Do I think of Kigali as my home now? No, I don't But great question.
Rather, this is the first time that I have profoundly understood the well-known phrase, "home is where the heart is." (I'm crying again). I don't miss Kigali or the things I'll do when I get back there. I miss my family. I miss my place in the world and it has become clear to me that there is no place in the world more important to me than my role within my family. Being the father of those three perfect children and the husband of that remarkable woman is truly my home. And it's been really far away for too long. It will be 18 days when it's all said and done, which is not that long and it's also the longest I've been apart from any of them in 15 years.
Some of you might be thinking, "what is wrong with this guy? I feel that way every time I'm away from my family for any length of time." First of all, I don't appreciate your tone of voice. Second, you might need to work on your healthy attachment. And third, I get it. I'm just experiencing normal human emotions, but it's new for me and now I've blogged about it.
PS
Realizing I could have just posted. "I really miss my family and I'm so excited to see them tomorrow."
I've wasted alot of time.and alot of energy.
3 comments:
Thank you Caleb. Not a waste of time. And it is clear that you are lonely since you were talking to yourself, especially in that "tone of voice". You and Katie are very special people. Love you!
I expect to be positively CRUSHED in your hug when I see you next. But don't forget I'm old and osteoporotic and be a gentle crusher. You are an outstanding human.p.s. when I first saw the alot, I was sure it was named Karen. I have apoplexy at the sight of that word. I love you alot.
As your mom, i am finding myself crying and laughing, talking to myself and answering, missing you and not missing you, loving you and loving you and convinced that in yours and Katie’s deep and sincere commitment to giving you have received much more then given, which is the only place from which to be truly generous….. whatever that looks like.
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