Inshuti

Inshuti means friend.

I think it’s somewhat telling that we learned this not from a friend, but from a waiter at a restaurant on Easter.  Caleb was asking how to politely get a waiter’s attention, and he told us we could say, “Umva, inshuti!”  Listen, friend.

Umva, inshuti.

I miss friends.  I was pondering this on Monday walking home from dropping the kids off at school.  With nearly four months away from home, and just over a month before we’re heading home, I’ve been thinking about what homecoming will look like and what I’m excited about.  Reconnecting with friends is high on the list.  I’m so grateful for everyone who has stayed connected with us through this adventure and helped us feel less adrift through the challenges and moments of loneliness we’ve had.  Let’s get specific. I’m grateful…

• For our Cottage Friends, for daily wordle check-ins and zooms as we were settling in here and basketball banter. Special thank you to Matt Smith for the joy and connection your March Madness Friendly brings year after year – it was especially appreciated this year.
• For Alli and Bryon, our friends-who-are-family. Grateful for the medical consults (luckily not too frequent) and check ins. I know Caleb loved spending time with you when he was home in March.
• For Lauren, and our intermittent WhatsApp conversations as we’ve both navigated away from home adventures.
• For Jessica and Teresa and Melissa – thanks for the emails and messages you’ve sent letting us know you’re thinking of us (and suggesting dance instructing as an alternative career option for Caleb).
• To our big extended family-who-are-friends. A special thank you to Mama Katie and Mama Kalibu and Olivia for making the long trip over here and sharing this adventure with us directly, and for staying connected and cheering us on at each step. Papa Kalibu, we’re very excited to see you soon, too! I’m grateful for some moments of connection-from-afar with my papa too, and for my brothers, who always feel close no matter how far away we are.
• For everyone I work with back home, but especially for my Hedgehogs. If I had to spend this many hours on zoom with anyone, I’m glad it was all of you! You’ve been an amazing support to me not only work-wise, but as catsitters (thanks, Hannah and Carla) and overall cheerleaders for this wild ride we’re on. (Stephanie and Carla, I’m sorry to miss graduation and am excited to celebrate you both in June!)
• To many others, including those I haven’t connected with while we’ve been away, and for relationships that may have been disrupted by COVID and life in general before our trip. I’m so appreciative for shared histories and past connections, and I’m excited to reconnect and rebuild community when we get back, knowing that it may not be the same as the one we left.

I was thinking about all of you on my walk (it’s a long-ish walk), and about the sense of ease and belonging your friendships give me.  Feeling “other” all the time has been one of the toughest parts of this experience, and I’m excited to find that belonging again.

Something interesting happened next, though.  When I got home, Caleb and I went to meet with Anaclet, our safari guide.  He’s an amazing human, nature expert, and conservation champion, and we’ve decided to invest in his business and help him buy a safari vehicle (to reduce rental costs).  We then stopped by Lambert’s office – he’s my colleague who leads the bridge project evaluation here and he’s been a wonderful friend and support since the day I emailed him in the fall asking for advice about our possible move to Rwanda for the semester.  He welcomed us at the airport when we landed and had us over for lunch during our first weekend.  He introduced us to Anaclet and guest lectured in my class a couple of weeks ago.  Inshuti. 

When we got home, we were greeted by the usual big crowd of small inshuti at our gate… Gille and Prisci and Tony and Simbi and Pasi and Diane and ModishaModishaModisha…. Neighbor Vestine (yeah, I guess I’m using her real name again) had tried to tell me something about Tony earlier when I got home from school dropoff but (persistent language barrier) I didn’t understand, so I called Anaclet and asked him to translate over the phone.  We sat in her (very small) house and she told me that Tony (who isn’t her son, but another neighbor kid) isn’t going to nursery school because his family can’t afford it.  (Blog followers will recall that we gave Vestine money to pay her own kids’ school fees a while back.)  With Anaclet’s help, I told her that Kalibu and I were close to figuring out a scheme to start accounts at the local Savings and Credit Cooperative (SACCO) for several neighbors, including Vestine and Tony’s family, where we’d be able to deposit money each month for each family to spend on their needs, including school fees.  Lots of hugs and smiles and blessings.  (This SACCO thing is in addition to the possible food scheme Caleb wrote about… it is the season of schemes.  Vestine’s SACCO account was successfully established – after an unsurprisingly complicated and long and confusing process – yesterday.)

After talking to Vestine, Caleb gave me a ride to Question Coffee, where I met with Maria and Elias.  They’re academics at the University of Global Health Equity and the University of Rwanda, respectively, and are part of the team I’ve been coordinating to submit a proposal for an East African Climate and Health Center.  We had a great brainstorming meeting and settled on two potential pilot projects looking at the climate & health impacts of Kigali’s 1) Car Free days and 2) urban wetland restoration initiatives.  We’ve got another meeting with our larger team, including the Dean of the U Rwanda School of Public Health, next week.  Before I left, I chatted with Kevine, the Question barista who threw Lexi her surprise bday party back in January and now comes by to say hi and babysits and has helped translate for Caleb to learn more about how to set up the SACCO scheme.  Also ran into Jean, who works on water quality projects and is also a Lambert connection and frequent Question patron.  Meanwhile, Caleb was meeting with Emmanuel, a corporate attorney he met golfing who is helping with the legal side of our Anaclet/Great Native Safaris partnership.

Somewhere in there we also met Odette the landlord, who came by with an IT guy to see about setting up some security cameras Ahya brought over after the TV robbery incident.  (We’ve been unsuccessful getting them connected, as have the 2 previous IT guys who have tried.  Guy #3 didn’t have any more luck – we think it’s an issue with the wifi configuration.  Anyhoo.)  It was really fun to get to know Odette and her friends/family during her visit… we went out for drinks again with her and her cousin Ninisa on Tuesday night before her flight back to Ireland on Wednesday.  She says we can stay at her house for free when we come back to visit, and we started scheming on a future visit to Ireland too.

The point is: while I miss the level and quality of friendship I have back home, we’ve sure made a lot of connections here, and some of them even feel pretty inshuti-like.  Many are complicated by / involve financial transfers (like our first inshuti, the waiter)… but we also need and have been helped by all of these friends, too.  I think a lot about reciprocity these days (I have a whole research project around this concept, inspired by Robin Wall Kimmerer’s book Braiding Sweetgrass) and how give & take is really a part of all true relationships.  So while these friendships are different and new and more explicitly transactional and lack the comfort and shared history of many back home, they’re rich and nurturing in their own way, and have certainly been central to this whole experience.

It feels like we’re stepping into the last chapter of this whole thing.  The draw of looking forward is strong, and I’m trying to balance it with my desire to stay present and see this through, finding a sense of resolution and closure which includes a commitment to continuity – a plan to maintain the relationships here as we reintegrate into and reform our communities back home.  It’s not over yet!  Grateful for all of you for sticking with us.

***

One more note, while we’re on the subject of inshuti.  I’ve shared before that Athena’s had a tough time connecting and making friends here.  It’s been an ongoing struggle and I’ve been really impressed with her overall good attitude, while also trying to keep pushing her to examine and let go of the fears keeping her from being her full self.  The last week, something seemed to start shifting, and then on Thursday, she came home bubbly and full of stories about new friends she’d made (mostly boys) and conversations she’d had.  Her homeroom teacher sent me an email with the subject line, “Magic Happened.”  (He’s been a great support for her since we got here.)  Here’s the message….

I don't know whether Athena has told you about it but today the magic happened. Athena eventually opened up and went out of her comfort zone and started talking to her friends openly. Usually, I make it a point to sit with her in the dining whenever I find her alone on the table and some friends of mine in grade 7 to avoid her being lonely on the table but today, I found her with some other classmates and she was in a conversation with them. I liked it and did not interrupt them. To my surprise, it continued in class after lunch and I heard all her peers calling it a miracle that happened.

Anyway, I couldn't wait to share the good news with you. I would love to know whether she mentioned anything like that to you.

I’m not sure why this finally changed, but I’m so glad it did and I’m excited that her last month here may look different and involve some more inshuti-time. 

Signing off, from Zanzibar... got here this evening for a weekend trip.  The adventure continues.

Trying out new patio furniture Odette bought with Theo and Violetta, more inshuti-like helpers

Caleb's Log v.12 - the gift of giving

 

While we were out with our landlord, Odette, she was telling us how she came upon an extra $500 from the sale of something or other and decided to donate that money to help feed some of the poorest neighbors in Buhoro, our village.  Katie and I jumped on the idea and asked if we could double the donation to increase the impact.  She said yes and we gave her $500 in cash a day or two later.

On Wednesday night at 6pm, I got a text from Odette saying that she's at the end of the street and they could use some help.  So, while Katie was teaching her class via zoom, all three kids and I walked down to the end of the street and met up with Odette.  She walked us down to a courtyard of a house (behind a gate, of course) where there were several people, lots of chairs, and bags and bags of food.

Our job was to take 100kilo bags of rice, beans, and flour and divide them up into smaller bags for each family.  They had lots of little bags and a scale and off we went.

It took a while to get 90 bags filled to just the right amount, but many hands make light work.

Eventually the girls walked home, but I was proud of them for jumping up and helping with no warning and absolutely no complaints.  

The next step was to take one bag of 20lbs of rice, one bag of 20lbs of beans, and one bag of 20lbs of flour and put them into a bigger bag.  FUN.  

Next, we needed to deliver the big bags to the homes of the families most in need.  There's a guy in the village that keeps a list of people and classifies them somehow.  Not sure what the plan for delivery was without me, but they asked if we could use my car, so I ran home and got it and backed it up to the top of the road where the distribution house was located.  We then carried the 60lb bags from the house, up to the car.  The Rwandans were impressed by my shoulder carry of the heavy bags, but I've been watching for almost 4 months now and I've been waiting for my turn.

The poor Hyundai Tucson was loaded up with about 20 large bags, so a little more than half a ton. (in retrospect, I wish we had delivered a ton of food...but we did not)  The Village Chief was my co-pilot and we drove deep into the neighborhood and parked the car.  We each grabbed a bag and headed down thin alleys in total darkness as we made our way into the labyrinth of the village.  My phone was dead, so I have no images, so I'll try to do it justice.  The buildings are close to each other with what seems like no planning.  So, you'll walk 20 feet down a little dirt path between two mud houses with water at your feet and an occasional rock, puddle (of what????), discarded sandal, stair, half wall, etc.  At the end of the 20 feet you take a sharp left and drop 10 feet over the next 10 feet, because Kigali is nothing if it isn't a hill.  Pass a few nice people and climb a makeshift three stair wooden ladder like bridge.  There are dozens and dozens of residents along the way and they are very confused by my presence.  I give the Mwiriwe greeting and get a big Mwiriwe back.  Finally we arrive at a door and we knock.  Eventually an old man comes out and the village chief explains that he lost his entire family in the genocide.  Mwiriwe Musaza.  We drop the bag and he thanks us passionately.  Drop the second bag with a nice Umchachuro (old lady) and I get a big hug.  Back to the car!  Two more bags.  Walk to another place. Over and over again.  We moved the car a few times to get closer to other parts of town before the walk.

Then we went back to the house and got the rest of the bags that didn't fit on the first effort.  The next stop was our street and we drove right by our house before stopping a few hundred feet up the road.  Our neighbors, recognizing our car, followed us all the way.  We got out and checked the list of the people who we were to deliver to and we continued to give out food.  At this point, my neighbors were asking for food and the chief told them to buzz off, because they're not on the list.  We're only helping the poorest 30 families tonight.  I didn't quite beg, but I asked the chief if we could please give one package to Vestine and her 4 kids.  "She's my neighbor...like right next door to me and she's got 4 kids."  He acquiesced and her kids helped her get the food back home.  Odette (neighbor, not landlord) was also there asking for food, but I didn't argue on her behalf because she lives alone with her husband.  But, she does have kids that live with her sister in the rural area outside of Kigali.  It really hurt to not be able to help some of my neighbors, but I just pointed to the chief and tried to explain that it's not my choice.  He tells me where to carry a bag and I carry it there.

We closed up the car with 6 more bags left to distribute and headed back to the house.  We hung out there for a while and I was really confused, but eventually figured out that the final bags were being picked up.  So, we were just waiting for people to come by and get their stuff.  I made a final plea for Odette to get one of the last bags as we seemed to be stalled out.  

Chief looked at me and was just so confused.  He told me Odette doesn't need this food.  She's fine.  Why am I trying to give this food to Odette?  Then we realized he thought I was talking about our landlord, who had donated $500 to make this whole evening happen.  That was an amazing moment.  "No, no, no.  Odette, not Odette!"  He said yes and I got to drive home with one last bag for my neighbor.  

I happily set the bag at her door step and gave her a big hug.  She looked very confused and almost disappointed.  Then Vestine pointed at the door and I saw the confusion.  I placed her bag at her neighbors door!!!???  I quickly grabbed it and put it at her door and everyone laughed and I got a better hug from Odette (after she put it inside her home).

I think I got home at 10pm.  It was the best 4 hours of the last 4 months.

I haven't been able to post about it, because it's emotionally exhausting to think about that night.  

But we've been scheming a lot ever since that night and Katie and I have decided to do this again...sort of.

Here's the plan.

1. Buy roughly $200 worth of food (rice, flour, and beans) to get a bulk discount. (over 400lbs of dry food, more than 1,000lbs of cooked food)

2. With the help of Vestine and some others, split it up into sets of 3, 10lb bags for our neighbors.

3. Sell it to them for less than 4 bucks a bundle.  (the value should be closer to $12)

Why sell it instead of give it?

We want them to pay something so that it's not a donation, but more like a co-op.  It also helps keep it to the 20 families that we have a relationship with.  We might be able to expand it later, but they have to be a paying member to be part of the co-op, so it creates a hurdle to entry just high enough for us to keep control over the size.  

The quantity should provide about 180 servings, so 6 per day for a month.  The cost to us is only $7.00 per family per month.  (pay 11, get 4 back)

If you follow this blog and you want to feed one of the families, let us know.  We'll accept monthly payments in multiples of $7 or annual payments in multiples of $84.  

(cue the music) That's right, for only seven dollars, you can feed a family of 3 for an entire month.  Pick up that phone, call this number, and make a difference.  You won't regret it.  And if you call in the next 5 minutes, we'll throw in this priceless imigongo artwork at no additional cost!

Saturday Night!

Date night for me & Kalibu while Kevine babysat Lexi and Thenes, and Mazie had 2 friends over for a sleepover.

We started at Choma'd, lively spot with burgers, tacos (yes, tacos!), yummy cocktails.

The "Two Shots Club" not far from our house has been on our list to check out since we've been here (it sounds lively when we've been by on the weekends) but apparently the rain interfered with their live music plans and it was quiet when we walked in, so we went back to Heroes Lounge instead - we'd been there once before when Nana was here.  

Walking in...

The band was fine, not super remarkable.  Did a nice cover of What a Wonderful World that we enjoyed. Then there was a fun "happy birthday" song for one of the guests.  Ok, ok...

Turned out the bday boy was a musician (saxophonist) himself.  He took the stage and... I am not music-savvy enough to know WHY he was amazing, but he was just... amazing.

Caleb and I decided to make a small spectacle and dance a bit.  We didn't get video footage but lots of others did, so it does exist out there in the world somewhere.  

Later, another one of his friends took the stage and sang in Kinyarwanda while he played the sax.  Our phones were dead by then so again, no footage, but marking the memory here.  We got their contact info and are scheming on hiring them for a going away party?  We'll see.

...

Bonus flashback to last Saturday night.  Backstory: Our landlord, Odette, is in town - she is Rwandan, married to an Irishman & has lived there in Ireland for 27 years but owns this place and comes here regularly with her husband & 2 sons.  (Caleb's got a good story to sharing about a giving project with her this past week.)  Last weekend, she had us over to her cousin's house for dinner, gave us some local banana beer, and then took us out with her cousin's friends to a fancy bar.  It was a very fun night until it wasn't... took me the whole day Sunday to recover.  No more banana beer for me.  Anyway, here's some footage of the fun parts.

Us with Odette (green shirt), her cousin Melissa, and friend Patrick. Can you see the banana beer... in my face??

These two were fantastic.  The young guy is a friend of Patrick's daughter, who was there with us too.  He's like a TikTok dancer video guy... very talented.  There are so many different Rwandas...

Safari Flashback!

Mondays, amirite?  It's a particularly blah one today - it rained overnight and is gray and dreary this morning.  After a 10 day break, getting everyone up and off to school was a challenge.  We're also still feeling bummed about Grandpa not being here: he was supposed to arrive Saturday evening to spend the week with us, but only made it as far as the Denver airport before being informed that he couldn't travel since his passport expires in June.  (It needs to be valid for 6 months from your travel date, for some reason.)  He rebooked to come in May, which is good, but still meant an adjustment in our expectations of what this week looks like.  Athena had a particularly droopy morning... she's still struggling to make connections and isn't excited to go back to school, and on top of that, she hurt her foot yesterday jumping over something in the yard.  (I think she's fine, but it's just one more thing bringing her down.)  So yeah, kind of a blah day.  But we managed to get the kids off and I figured I'd cheer myself up with a fun flashback to the safari we did with Nana and Livi a few weeks ago!

As our second set of visitors, Nana and Livi got the benefit of more experienced hosts - we picked some of our favorite experiences from Ahya's visit and went back to those places, and did a few new things around town too.  They arrived on a Friday night and we did a short trip to Lake Ruhondo over that first weekend, and then came back to Kigali for the week.  Livi went to school with Mazie on Monday (and had lunch with Athena, which made her really happy), while Nana and Caleb and I explored a little and ended up buying some art from this local artist, Selek.  We loved how his work captured little images of everyday life (and have now gotten a whole little collection of these pieces).

On Tues, we did a tour of the Nyamirambo neighborhood, organized by a local women's cooperative that makes handicrafts and provides employment.  The tour ended with a home cooked meal at the home of one of the women from the coop.

  

On Wed morning Nana and Liv visited the Genocide Memorial, and then we picked the kids up from school and spent the afternoon at Nature Kigali, a boutique hotel and restaurant that is one of the kids' favorite spots.

And then... safari time!  We got up early on Thurs and drove to Akagera with our guide, Anaclet.  Once again, the park was fantastic - we saw buffalo and rhinos and zebras and baboons and hippos on our first drive around the south end of the park.

Oh, and Lexi practiced her latest gymnastics tricks over lunch.

Then we headed up north towards the Karenge Bush Camp.  As we approached the camp, we found a whole herd of elephants - probably at least 40 of them in a large swamp a ways off from the road!

We would have stayed and watched them longer, but it was getting late and we needed to get up to the camp for our night safari... except when we arrived at the bush camp, we found out there was a problem with the booking and we weren't able to do the night safari after all!  That was a disappointment - the night safari was a highlight of our earlier trip.  But on the upside, we got a relaxed evening at the Bush Camp, including a great dinner, a hot shower (they bring the water to these little outdoor open bathrooms), and some nice time around the campfire (which Caleb loves).  And we resolved to get up nice and early (5 am!) for an early morning drive. 

And we were sure glad we did!  The morning safari did not disappoint.  We set out when it was still dark and almost immediately, a leopard crossed the road in front of our car!  Since this was the only one of the "big five" we hadn't seen on our first trip (remember: buffalo, elephant, rhino, lion, leopard), this was especially exciting.  

A few minutes later, we found some hyenas!

Then we almost hit a buffalo standing in the road - he jumped to get out of our way, and an elephant was standing right there!  

So now it's about 5:50 am and it's hardly light out and we've already seen 3 of the big five!  We see a herd (nope), a DAZZLE of zebras, and there's something about the way they're all moving out of the savannah that makes Anaclet think some predators could be close.  We keep driving down into the valley, stop for a quick photo...

And then BAM!  Anaclet spots a whole PRIDE of lions!!  He drives quickly up the road and we stop the car and get to just hang out and watch them for a while.  Apparently there are 17 lions in the pride we spotted - as we approached, most of them moved up into the bush, but a few of the younger ones are curious about us and hung out closer to the road with us.  Just magical.

To cap off this amazing morning, on our way back to the camp for breakfast we spot three white rhinos. So we were 5/5, before breakfast!  Unbelievable.

After breakfast, we said a rainy goodbye to the bush camp and drove back down to the south end of the park.  

Spotted lots more animals along the way, including some giraffes - we saw lots on our first safari but had a harder time finding them this trip, for some reason.  Another highlight: because of the rain, hippos were a lot more active - we saw several walking around out of the water.  And several large gatherings of baboons in the road too - it looked like someone had called a meeting and asked them all to pair up for an activity of some kind (probably picking bugs off of each other).

Safari-ing complete, we drove out of the park and stayed at the Akagera Rhino Lodge again (beautiful).  

On Saturday, we took Nana and Livi back to the Cultural Village (all 4 kids were good sports and went up on stage to get a traditional dance lesson - they forbade us to take pictures while they were up there), and then headed home.  

Lexi made a friend

On Saturday night, we took the big girls out with us for a night on the town while our friend Kevine babysat the littles.  

Sunday's main event was a relaxing afternoon at Pili Pili.   

And then it was time to say goodbye!  Nana and Liv flew home late Sunday night (technically early Monday AM).  A really great visit, with some adventures and some normal "here's what our life looks like" stuff.  Mazie was a different person with Livi here... all giggles and smiles.  I think it was also helpful for Mazie to see some of this place through Livi's eyes - more "this is really cool!" perspective.  One good example: our neighbor kids, who Livi saw as super cute and friendly, while Mazie tends to be annoyed by them.  I think she's been a little friendlier to them since Liv left.  In any case, grateful for the memories from this chapter... they're flying by pretty quick at this point.

Forgiveness

I owe everyone an update from the second half of Nana & Livi's visit with fun safari pictures.  I'll get to that in the next couple of days.

Today is the 29th commemoration of the Genocide Against the Tutsi in Rwanda, which started on April 7, 1994.  It's a national holiday, and starts a commemoration period known as Kwibuka (which apparently roughly translates to "remember").  Schools are closed today through April 17.  Businesses were all closed today until after 12 pm.  For the next week, there are a set of rules about what people and organizations are allowed to do, including this list of prohibited activities:

Other commemoration events will continue for 100 days, ending on July 3 (which is about when the genocide ended once the Rwandan Patriotic Front took over control from the Interhamwe militia that was carrying out the genocide).

We've been grappling with how to participate in this commemoration in a way that is respectful of the country we're living in and authentic to our role as outsiders here.  I asked our friend Joseph, who works at USAID and has given us tours of the genocide memorial, if there were any particular events we should attend.  He explained that the main events were village-level meetings at 9 am on the 7th (this morning) where communities come together to share stories and younger generations can ask questions to learn about what happened.  He said we'd likely be welcome to attend our local meeting, but it would be long and in Kinyarwanda so we wouldn't be able to follow what was happening.  We also know that our presence draws a lot of attention and would likely distract from the purpose of the meeting.  So we stayed home and listened to the sounds of the neighborhood from here.  We could hear music and then talking a loudspeaker from somewhere nearby starting around 8:30 am until early afternoon.  Meanwhile, Mazie, Caleb, and I watched Hotel Rwanda - I hadn't seen it since probably around the time it came out in 2002.  It was interesting to re-watch with everything we've learned since we've been here, and given the recent news about the film's protagonist, Paul Rusesabagina.  (I've read up on his story and am still quite confused... like so much around this history, sorting out "good guys" and "bad guys" seems very difficult.)

With all of this reflection, I find myself coming back to questions I had before we came here around the concept and practice of forgiveness.  Those of you familiar with my family backstory may know that I owe a lot of how my childhood unfolded and who I am to an act of forgiveness, and it's a concept I've contemplated a lot.  I think I have a strong understanding and appreciation of the "why" behind forgiveness: it's not about putting something behind you or forgetting that you were wronged, but about letting go of anger and freeing yourself from that burden in order to move forward.  We often think of the benefits of forgiveness for those who are forgiven, but I think I understand how crucial and healing it is to forgive.  But it's the "how" that still puzzles me.  Even if I know that I should forgive, that it would be good for me and for all involved, how does someone actually get to that point?  How do you let the anger go?  It's a puzzling question at an individual, interpersonal level, let alone at the scale of an entire nation.  How is it that I'm sitting in a country that experienced this incomprehensible and atrocious event 29 years ago (when I, and the Rwandans I'm meeting around my age, were (was?) in high school), and people who were on both sides of this genocide are going about their business and living lives together as neighbors?  This is particularly hard to grasp given what Joseph has stressed about this being an incredibly intimate genocide: while the killing of Tutsis and moderate Hutus was carefully planned and organized by the centralized Interhamwe militia, their strategy was carried out through interpersonal acts of violence by ordinary people in villages around the country.  Testimonials of survivors are full of stories of betrayal by people they knew and trusted... neighbors, family members, church leaders, teachers.  How on earth do you forgive something like this?

I know that the answer here is complex and centers around the justice and reconciliation process that's happened here since the genocide ended, a key piece of which was the Gacaca system.  Basically, after the genocide, there were SO MANY cases to try that they estimated it would take 100 years to try all cases in the normal court system.  So they turned to a traditional community-based justice system that set up local-level courts across the country and tried cases at the community level.  Perpetrators who participated and confessed faced reduced sentences.  As this website explains, forgiveness and healing were also key aims of this system: "The Gacaca trials also served to promote reconciliation by providing a means for victims to learn the truth about the death of their family members and relatives. They also gave perpetrators the opportunity to confess their crimes, show remorse and ask for forgiveness in front of their community."  

Makes sense in theory, right?  But in practice... it's still tough to comprehend how I could get my heart to let go of anger at the human who took a machete to my husband, threw my child against a wall.  I'm sure many people didn't actually get there and weren't able to forgive.  But the fact that so many apparently were is both mind-boggling and deeply moving.  I've been similarly fascinated by stories of restorative justice in other contexts.  The model of acknowledging and repairing harms, with a focus on what victims need rather than simply how to "punish" perpetrators, has struck me as both deeply moving and logical.  (If "hurt people hurt people," a system that actually focuses on healing people seems to hold a lot of potential to prevent future harm.)  It gives me hope that even if it seems to be "human nature" to do terrible things to one another, it's also human nature to forgive.

So it all makes sense but in some ways I'm still where I started... I get the "why," but am still stuck on the "how."  To help with this, up next on our watchlist is this documentary about the Gacaca courts called My Neighbor, My Killer.  I'm hoping it will help me understand the how a little better.  I figured out how to rent it through Vimeo if you care to watch too.  

Here we are with Joseph back in Jan in front of the kwibuka statue at the Genocide Memorial.

Golfing in Rwanda! Caleb's Log v.11

Can we just start by acknowledging how much better Katie is at blogging regularly?  If you were relying on my updates, you wouldn't know jack squat.

Some background.  I don't golf that much.  I've golfed ever since I was a little kid, but never seriously and I've never gotten very good at it.  I usually go a handful of times a year (father's day, dad's birthday, on vacation in Wisconsin, a charity event, and maybe another time or two).  So, the idea of bringing my golf clubs all the way to Africa so that I could play might seem very odd.  It is a little odd, to be honest.

Here was the thought.  

1.  I'm going to have all day every day without my kids (at school) and without any of you (sleeping).  I can work on my computer, but day time is the time to have fun, since all my meetings are at night and the kids are home.

2.  I knew this trip would be difficult in some ways and I thought it would be nice to have something like a break from "reality." 

3.  I did think I might meet some people if I played with others, but that was more of a negative than a positive.  I didn't come to Rwanda to meet golfers.

4.  I am on City Council and I attend meetings via zoom.  Our meetings are at 6pm in Colorado, so 3am (now 2am) in Rwanda.  That means that I go to bed from 11-2:30, wake up and have some coffee and throw on a dress shirt over some pajama bottoms and participate from 3-7am.  I thought it would be a nice treat on Wednesdays to go golfing, eat lunch, take a nap, and then spend the evening with my kids, while Katie teaches remotely  So, I decided I would golf EVERY Wednesday while I'm in Kigali.

When I had the idea, I didn't even know if there would be a golf course here, but I looked it up online and found that there was a very nice course, the Kigali Golf Club.  I bought a 6-month membership, so I can golf as much as I want "for free."  (turns out if you give someone a lot of money up front, you can get a lot for free)

Okay...that's the background.  Now, the experience.

The first day was a bit of a shitshow.  Google maps took me to a construction site with a security guard that was not happy with my presence.  I drove into another area where I saw a golf cart and they were equally unhappy with me.  They pointed me towards a parking lot with trees and field.  I parked there and walked along a long
path until I found a little building near a green.  I told them I'd like to golf and they were all pretty confused.  Eventually we worked out the details and I got a membership and a tee time.  I was informed that I had to go back to the parking lot and get a caddy. It's mandatory and I should pay them 4,000rwf for 9 holes or 7,000 for 18 holes. (roughly $4 or $7 usd) So, I went out to the car and took my clubs out of the trunk.  A young man came jogging from 50 yards away where several people were gathered under a tent.  He spoke a little English and asked me if I was a guest or a member.  I proudly stated that I was a member, and he put a velcro "MEMBER" name tag on his back.  He then carried my clubs to the first hole where I would join some other golfers. (it is now my goal to get my name instead of "member" like the other cool golfers, but don't think it's going to happen)

Hole #1 is hole #13 (or vice versa).  There used to be a 9 hole, par 3 course on one side of a large road.  It had been there for a few years, but now it's only 6 holes (13-18) and they are building a beautiful clubhouse on that side. (that's the construction from earlier in the post) They've built holes 1-12 on the other side of the road.  Eventually, you'll start on hole #1 and end at hole #18 and enjoy the great clubhouse.  But for now, you start on hole #13 and finish on hole #12 that is near the hole #1 tee and the #9 green and there is a small building there called the halfway house.  So, when it's done you'll play 1-9, be at the halfway house, play 10-12 and then go across the street and finish up with 13-18.  

I regret that last paragraph and so far I'm wishing I hadn't started this blog.  It's not funny or interesting.  I guess I'm just trying to get the point across that it's awkward.  Everything feels weird. Even the hole you're on.  Oh, and it's all meters instead of yards, so you have to do math in your head to figure out what club to use and the altitude is different, so....yeah.  Terrible blog.

The reason I wanted to write about golfing originally was because of two things. First, the incredible juxtaposition of playing golf at a club that is $100usd per round in a country where 70% of residents earn less than $2.00 per day.  I also found my stories of the first few rounds pretty funny as I adjusted to having a caddy who would take care of all my needs, like cleaning my clubs and the ball after every swing.  I've never played with a caddy before (I'm not poor, you're poor) and I had great stories of how quickly I became comfortable with this service.

In then end, what has been interesting to me is the people I've met while golfing and my chameleon approach to relationships.

Let's start with the people.

I have met the head of the UN in Rwanda, the CEO of the largest coffee company in Rwanda, the head architect for the president's new home and an entire new part of town, as well as the clubhouse at the course.  I have met business men in the world of mining and tech, a lawyer, an insurance agent, a restaurant owner, an economic adviser to the president and the list goes on.  I feel like I've been making real friendships with some of them too.  

The round usually goes like this...

"Hi.  I signed up to join you three today.  Is that okay?"  

They check with the person who's in charge and find out that I have indeed signed up at the same time as them.  They're not thrilled, but they welcome me to the game and make me shoot first.  I ALWAYS shank my first shot and then we're off.  They mostly ignore me for the first hole or two, but by hole 3 I strike up a conversation with one of them.  Hole 4 I have the same convo with the 2nd person and on hole 5 (also known as hole #17 on the course) I converse with the 3rd player.  On the long walk from hole 18 to hole number 1, we're starting to become friends.  The last 12 holes are fun and by the end we're exchanging phone numbers and promising to golf together again.

There is a part of me that feels guilty for making friends with the "elites" of Rwanda.  Like I came here to see all the suffering and hardship and this is bullshit.  What I have come to realize is that the golf club is ABSOLUTELY Rwanda.  Just like my neighbor is Rwanda and like the farmers in the country side are Rwanda.  It's a rich tapestry of all kinds of people living all kinds of lives and being with the wealthy people helps to complete the picture.  It's kinda weird to say it like this, but that rich guy on the golf course deserves my respect too.

That leads me to my second point (this post is 6,000 words long and I just said, this leads me to my second point.  I'm sorry). I am a bit of a chameleon, personality wise.  I've struggled to determine if I have no personality and I change based on my surroundings or if I have 20 personalities that I bring out to match the texture of the moment.  Sometimes I wish that I was exactly the same in all settings, but I think there is a sweetness and kindness in matching the energy of the person you're with.

***Some of you must be thinking, "he's never matched my personality and I've known him for 40 years." Maybe I don't like your personality.  It doesn't look good on me.  :)

But seriously, here is the point.  I LOVE that I can go play golf with the head of the UN and talk about the economic conditions of Rwanda and how it compares and contrasts with other African countries he's lived in and then turn to my caddy, Moses, that I have become friends with and talk about how excited I am for him to meet my dad next week. (most golfers don't really talk to the caddy's) Then I go home and sit out in my driveway with the neighborhood kids for an hour playing games without a shared language before heading off to dinner at an Asian fusion restaurant that a golfing buddy owns.

I love that I truly appreciate Vestine and Ozonia (neighbor without power or water and head of the UN) for who they are in the world and they are both equally deserving of my time and attention.  I don't think the two of them would hang out, but they both seem to enjoy hanging out with me.

Okay, that's it.  Not my favorite post.  If you're wondering (and no one is), my golf game has not improved at all.  I've played 10 rounds in 3 months and my score has only gotten worse.  I am getting much better at relying on someone else to pick my club and find my ball in the weeds, though.

Cool.  So.  Yeah. That's a post about me and golfing and how I can be friends with anyone.  What an asshole.

Can I not post this?  Can I write this and then maybe just email to myself for posterity?  

I'm sorry if you read this whole post.  If you tuned out after the part about which hole is which, I'm proud of you, but you'll never know it.

I'm off my game.  I'll do better next week.